How to Become a Self-Healing Individual with Dr Nicole LePera
Who is Dr Nicole LePera?
Dr Nicole LePera, who studied clinical psychology at Cornell University, started her career as a psychotherapist, trying to help her clients with psychotherapy like other colleagues. Realising that psychotherapy works to a certain extent both in her clients’ and her own sphere of influence, but that it has significant limitations and shortcomings, LePera gradually begins to create her own understanding within the field of psychology.
In her philosophy, she begins to consider psychology not only as mental well-being but also as a holistic approach to mental, physical and spiritual health. At the same time, she aims to provide her clients with some awareness and tools that will enable them to heal themselves not only during therapy but also as they continue their lives.
Becoming a Self-Healing Individual in all areas of life with Dr Nicole LePera
On romantic relationships:
- Trying to find the “right person” in romantic relationships distracts us from reality. There is no “right person” for anyone to solve all their problems and fulfil all their needs. Love consists of conscious effort on both sides, getting away from toxic habits and behaviours, and striving to be better.
- In today’s romantic relationships, “ghosting” is common. According to LePera, ghosting, which means that a person suddenly and unannounced breaks the romantic bond, can be experienced for the following reasons: Ignoring. A person who learns at a young age that problems in family life are always “overcome” by ignoring them makes choices in adulthood, thinking that the problems will disappear again if they are not addressed.
- Although “family is everything” for many people, our families do not have to be everything. For some of us, families, which constitute a really safe space and unshakable support, mean sacrificing our spiritual, mental and even physical health. The family phenomenon can include stress, betrayal and boundary violations as well as love and respect. According to LePera, who reminds us that we should not put any social bond above our own needs and limits, it is necessary to draw boundaries with our families, to take it slow, to prioritise ourselves, to live our own reality from our own perspective, not the fantasies of others.
- Self-Healing Individual with emotionally and communicatively disconnected, “absent” parents who define family members as “very familiar strangers” can evolve into love-starved adults. These individuals, who may interpret the slightest signs of affection as great love, may be especially vulnerable to “love-bombing”, a form of manipulation. According to LePera, “chasing breadcrumbs” is a very common condition that can be healed no matter how old we are, and the void it creates can be filled with self-love and real social bonds.
To stabilise the dysregulated nervous system:
- “Crying is healing.” The act of crying, which we associate with not being able to control emotions, actually helps the body, which has switched to flight-fight sympathetic mode, to switch back to rest-digest parasympathetic mode. For this reason, we do not need to force ourselves not to cry, but on the contrary, we need to release tears in moments when the body is tense!
- The basis of healing our nervous system lies in being still. We need to adopt the principle of inactivity in order to change the constant flight-fight state into rest-digest; we need to lie under the sun, focus on the morsel in our mouth while eating, listen to the sounds of nature, let our mind wander and empty our agendas.
To achieve emotional maturity:
- Being able to apologise also means being able to take responsibility. An emotionally mature person should be able to apologise to everyone – even to their own children – when necessary. This is because apologising shows that we are aware of our own problems and that we care about the other person in order to do better and, if necessary, to change.
- Emotionally immature people are more likely to take everything personally, even if it is not directed at them. According to LePerla, being overly triggered by criticism stems from internalised shame. Feeling like they have to constantly defend themselves, these people try to cope with their own internal problems by repelling any criticism directed – or not directed (!) – at the other person or others. This causes them to have difficulties in social environments and relationships.
- An important step in achieving emotional maturity is to get rid of this inner shame that undermines one’s own happiness. At the end of the day, everyone lives by thinking about themselves, not about us and our actions, and makes comments and criticisms only based on their own life experiences.