Replace Jealousy With Self-Reflection, Study Your Feelings, and Take Your Search for Fulfillment Seriously

It should go without saying but: jealousy is never about the other person…contrary to what many in the throws of jealousy would like to believe. Jealousy is always about your perception of yourself and your circumstances. Full stop.

Everyone feels jealous from time to time but what matters is what we do with that jealousy as well as how we examine the circumstances and the limiting beliefs that fuel it.

Recognize that consumerism is built on making us feel inadequate and hurling criticisms at anyone. Don’t waste your precious heartbeats criticizing what someone else is doing and putting others under a microscope.

Here are 9 helpful ways to process jealousy without hurting our relationships, taking it out on others or stalling our own self development and search for fulfillment!

1.Accept That You’re Jealous Without Judging Yourself!

The more we make our jealousy about the other person, the more we stall our own healing. No more excuses. No more subterfuge. Accept your friends calling you out and own up to the fact that you are jealous. Stop frantically finding fault with the other! It’s okay to feel jealous from time to time but it all comes down to weather or not we are constructive about it!

Nitpicking and vilifying the target of your jealousy will not resolve the jealousy within you. You can block them out of your life, you can sabotage their friendships, you can deny them the job, you can defame them, you can completely ignore them, you can make that person miserable… but you’ll never be able to escape you. At the end of the day, we all still have to face our baggage.

Instead of deflecting your jealousy onto the object of your envy and undermining them through means of sabotage and relational aggression, own your stuff! Accept yourself without judging yourself and move forward. Recognize that we all feel jealous from time to time and that there will always be someone more good-looking, fit, accomplished, or evolved than every single one of us. The sooner we can be honest with ourselves about it, the sooner we can move past it without inflicting pain on others and living in the pain of ourselves.

Liberate yourself from denial and fully acknowledge the things that need resolving in your own life.

2.Stop Trying to Find Fault With The Object of Your Jealousy, It’s a Time-Waster

Displaced aggression is really common. Nevertheless, that doesn’t make it okay. We make someone else miserable and we waste our own heart beats in the process.

When we’re jealous, we often look for the tiniest faults or any opening to create conflict as an indirect way of blaming that person for what we feel. Sometimes this can sever connections that we later will miss or other times it becomes a form of self-victimization that keeps us in arrested development.

The reality is that nobody is perfect, but this simple fact always seems to boil up to the surface as an impasse in our relationships the moment others are growing and being met with the success we want for ourselves.

We need to stop projecting our insecurities onto others in the form of self-victimization and we need to replace that with an attitude of patience for others and for ourselves. If you’re jealous of someone because of what they have, you’re really jealous of them because of what you feel you lack.

Putting them under a microscopic lens and looking for fault will not resolve that. It will only belabor the inevitable work that is required to achieve your own goals and successes.

3.Anticipate The Drug Effects of Unchecked Jealousy (Anger, Humiliation, and Fear) and “Journal It Out”

Unchecked jealousy can bring out the worst in us. If jealousy is left unprocessed, it can hijack our perception of reality and silence our voice of reason. It can turn us against the very people that have shown unconditional love and support. It can result in unwarranted hate toward people who did nothing to deserve it. Self-awareness, intention assessments and anticipation can help us avoid the collateral chaos that jealousy can wreak on our lives, on others, and in our relationships. Seriously, get it out in your journal and look for some patterns in your thinking… or just get it out of your system so that you can move on with your day in peace.

4.Take Some Space to Process and Reflect

Sit with yourself. Are you jealous because of a resent setback, a trauma or a feeling of lack? Is there a deeper well of longing and past hurt that is causing you to project onto others? Take some time to process the source and really get to the root of it. The more we deny our jealousy, the more we allow it to fester and take control of our lives. Whether through journaling or talking it out, we can really process these thoughts that are generated by a feeling of lack and get to the root of them. Once we know the root, we can work on setting realistic goals to construct the life we actually want. Either way, reflect and detangle yourself.

5.Study Your Jealousy Like You Would Study A Mentor

What does the object of your jealousy have that you want? How did they get there? Set an intention to excel and be willing to study the process of getting there. If they have an opportunity that you want, then you yourself can work on it. If you cannot have what they have, maximize your own strengths, study your niche or try another skill that suits you until you get lost in it. Get involved and start stretching your neuroplasticity in a constructive direction that expands your world. Learn to appreciate strengths in others as though they were teachers and mentors as opposed to your “competition”.

6.Work On Your Contract With Yourself: Start Taking Your Personal Goals Seriously

Get a life coach if you need to, get serious about the gym, journal, see a therapist, wake up earlier and eat better. Whatever self-maintenance looks like to you, do it. “Hating” on others is a low-hanging fruit that distracts us from the work we haven’t done yet. It’s a form of procrastination. People who are busy reaping the benefits of their lives generally don’t have time to gossip or drag others under the bus.

When they put focus on honoring themselves above wasting time fixating on other people, they have an easier time mitigating jealous feelings, self-maintenance and finding perspective. Figure out the articles of your contract with yourself and walk by it with real intention to regulate emotional responses and by extension– make progress with your personal development. You’ll thank you later.

7.Limit Social Media

The more we scroll the fantasy of other people’s lives, the more we’re reinforcing our Imposter Syndrome and feelings of inadequacy. Social media is actually set up this way to keep us using these various platforms. Films like The Social Dilemma talk about an increase in depression among teenagers who use social media apps. Take regular breaks to restable your sense of identity so that it doesn’t run your life and when on apps, train algorithms to prioritize interests and encouragement.

8.Let Go Of The Need To Control Others and Others’ Relationships

Seriously, stop tying to control others. This means: stop trying to manipulate others through relational aggression and gossip as well as through passive aggression and any other means.

We do not have control over others and no one owes it to any of us to make our emotional need the center of their world. The need to have complete control over others is a trauma response and it will cause your loved ones to suffer.

Trying to control our friendships and relationships is rooted in a fear of abandonment. It is critical to be wary of manipulation tactics, relational sabotage, and isolating others for the sake of feeling loved consistently.

To love and support someone is a willing act. It is neither forced, nor is it curated by relational and social manipulation.  It is certainly not transactional. Seek out counseling, turn to your creative avenues, get busy, foster community, and do whatever it takes to release the need to have control over others.

We cannot control anyone other than ourselves and the hallmark of a true friend, a true lover, and a true confidant is a person who is consistently there for us of their own volition– not because they felt that they owed us or because we forced them to be there. Identify social traumas that catalyze unhealthy relational practices. We have to be willing to deepen our trust in order to know that our love is secure and enough as it is.

9.Communicate Your Jealousy (In a Healthy Way): We All Have Experienced It So Let’s Be Open About It

Sometimes communicating our weaknesses can disarm the other person. Looking for ways to deny our unresolved feelings of jealousy can make it hard for us to have an open standard of communication. Communicating jealousy in a healthy, heartfelt, and honest way can sometimes help us to mutually understand our own needs better within friendships and within relationships.

In conclusion. We all get jealous…read that again. However, not everyone can manage it in a way that’s constructive. It is critical to recognize jealousy as a normal emotion and learn how to regulate our emotions in a healthy way.

The more we judge oand avoid processing our emotions, the more our feelings can impact our relationships to others. Accept what you feel and consider channeling these thoughts and feelings by being self-reflective on our need for fulfillment. Nip jealousy in the bud and finally, be compassionate–to others… and to yourself.



Madrid-based traveler, visual and performing artist, and content writer.

1 comments On Replace Jealousy With Self-Reflection, Study Your Feelings, and Take Your Search for Fulfillment Seriously

  • Light Shines Love

    Awesome article! You are touching on some deep truths! Especially study like a mentor! Something I’ve said for years is that Jealousy is a perversion of inspiration. If you believe you can’t do something, then I do it with ease, your perception of the world is challenged. The healthy challenge is inspiration. The unhealthy way is jealousy. Inspiration means you have expanded your view of the world and what is possible. Jealousy means you are stuck in the same narrow perspective, and anything that challenges it must be bad and worthy of destruction. The same “Arrested Development” that you so eloquently mentioned.

    The sad thing is most people are more used to repressing their abilities than expanding them. They are comfortable with their limited scope. The idea of exploring the feelings of jealousy is too hard and scary. If they only knew how glorious it is on the other side. Processing those feelings is what leads to real growth. There are so many people who have accomplished what you want to accomplish, and they will tell you how they did it if you ask on a vibration that matches! They will also tell you what failures they faced, and what hurt them. This is valuable information, but jealousy blocks the person from all of that. Jealousy goes hand in hand with one of your other topics, hyperindividualism!

    Thanks for writing this! It is a great reminder to process all feelings


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