What if the secret to rekindling the flame in your couple was complicity?
I am often surprised to see how couples who come to my office have lost the sense of complicity. Communication between them is reduced to a list of grievances. They no longer seek to understand the other but to be right. Their couple has become a power struggle when it would be so much better to become a playground again.
We all need to be in complicity with other human beings to feel good in this world. This is why many people have strong friendships with a few people of the same sex and feel “understood”.
One of the foundations of a couple is precisely this complicity! A complicity that is very present at the beginning of the relationship. If you observe a couple in the process of forming, you will notice complicity in the form of a shared outlook on life, a singular sense of humor, a common hobby, etc. This complicity initiates the rapprochement of the couple. This complicity initiates the approach and leads to intimacy.
What is complicity?
The Larousse defines complicity as a tacit agreement. It is marked in the fact of bringing help to someone.
When we say “tacit understanding” we mean “understanding each other” without necessarily speaking. It is also an impulse to support each other unconditionally. The complicity shows a certain emotional, affective attachment.
To see a couple, young or old, in complicity is very touching. They smile at each other, wink at each other. We see them holding hands. Sometimes they start laughing without anyone understanding. They are thoughtful with each other. One starts an anecdote and leaves it to the other to finish it. They tease each other gently, etc.
It’s so simple, so natural! It is this simplicity of being together that I invite you to rediscover.
Rekindle the complicity in your couple
Caught up in daily life, work, children, home, family, social life, etc., complicity can disappear if not maintained.
I like to use the metaphor of a garden to talk about the couple. If you don’t maintain it, if you don’t water it, if you don’t take care of it, little by little it loses its beauty. The spiky brambles invade the whole space.
To find and maintain the complicity is one of the main keys to put joy back in his couple.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to agree on everything to be a partner! You don’t have to wait until all the disagreements, frictions or points of discord are settled to find the pleasure of being together.
To find complicity in its couple, it is initially and above all a choice. You have to want to make an alliance.
One of the little tricks I suggest is to take a few minutes to remind yourself why you chose your spouse. What did you like about him or her? What do you still appreciate today? Remember the little flaws you find charming. What is it about him or her that moves you?
When you are aware of this, the desire to form an alliance returns. Choosing complicity means deciding to commit to making the couple work.
How to develop complicity?
When you feel sincerely ready to commit to your relationship and to rekindle complicity, it is sometimes useful to have some guidelines. Here are, according to me, the keys to take care of this complicity.
Maintain a state of mind of love
It is difficult, if not impossible, to be a partner with someone who is constantly being reproached. The complicity requires to maintain a state of mind of love for the other. I think it is important to feel esteem for your partner and to tell him or her so. For example, by expressing what you appreciate in him/her, by thanking him/her for a small thing he/she did or said, etc.
It is good to get into the habit of going to your partner and asking what you can do to help. This is not about forgetting yourself. But, once you have taken care of yourself, you must know how to go towards your partner to take care of him/her as well.
Taking care of communication
I often say it, communication is one of the bases of the couple. Communicating does not mean pouring out everything that is on your mind or your grievances! Communicating also means practicing unconditional listening and welcoming the other person’s feelings.
Take 5 minutes in the evening to ask your partner how he/she felt during the day. Don’t try to give them advice. Just be present, listen and empathize. Then, you too can, if you wish, share what you have experienced and your emotions.
You will immediately feel that sharing this intimate moment of communication with each other rekindles the complicity. It is an impulse of the heart that brings you closer.
Meeting in the 5 forms of intimacy
In the podcast on complicity in the couple, I talked about the importance of taking care of the 5 forms of intimacy in the couple.
The intellectual intimacy in which we share our thoughts, experiences, dreams, desires, etc.
Social intimacy in which we share with your partner experiences in the outside world, with friends, colleagues, outings, etc.
Emotional intimacy in which we share our feelings.
The spiritual intimacy in which we share our vision of Life, of the Universe, our consciousness of us.
The physical intimacy which passes by the touch, the sexual act but also to give the hand, to take in the arms, to kiss, etc.
It seems important to me to invite you to take stock of the feeling of complicity that you have with your partner in each of the spheres of intimacy.
I remember a couple in the office with whom we were talking about complicity. The man felt that the complicity was perfect between them because he felt sexually fulfilled. On the other hand, the wife felt that they were not at all complicit because they did not share any outings!
As you can see, the feeling of complicity is subjective. It is useful to discuss it with your partner to see together the intimate areas where it might be wise to reinforce it.
Of course, it is not a question here of wanting to please by forgetting oneself. It is important to feel this impulse, this desire to go towards greater things for your couple. It sometimes requires you to leave your comfort zone but it is always a beautiful discovery of yourself and of the other.
Rediscover the joy of being a partner
Who says “complicit couple” doesn’t mean “fusional couple”. I don’t think it is necessary, or even desirable, to be complicit in all aspects of life to be happy together. It is important to preserve moments of solitude or separate activities. Complicity means coming back to each other and telling each other what you have experienced alone.
For me, the complicity in the couple also passes by the lightness, the humor and the laughter! It is good to know how to get out of the “problems” of everyday life to find the pleasure of discussing trivial subjects, to laugh together or simply to go for a walk hand in hand.
To be accomplices is to be two in this great game that is Life to better share and savor the experience.